


A Kind Of Love

by henrywinters



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Codependency, I guess.... semi unhealthy relationship, M/M, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 03:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henrywinters/pseuds/henrywinters
Summary: [...] the world was ugly, but Sanghyuk wasn't. And this was all that really mattered. / A post-graduation summer love fic





	A Kind Of Love

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is ....... hold nothing against me, i just really like angsty teen boys who are forever bitchy but also in love. for what it's worth, i wrote this whilst listening to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29mcKVhwzu8)

 

 

The TV was on, the nightly news bursting color on bleached walls; a man had been convicted of two murders, and Jaehwan couldn't help but turn away from the TV, his head resting on the softness of Sanghyuk's stomach. Sanghyuk had fallen asleep moments before, an arm pillowed beneath his head; and he looked sweet, almost darling, under hues of green and phosphorescent blue. Tremulous shadows cast within a darkened room, and all the angles of Sanghyuk's face broadened by the dark; Jaehwan lifted his head and scooted closer, able to feel the thrum of Sanghyuk's heart beneath the cotton of his school shirt— _ba-dum, ba-dum_ , like vibrations echoing inside his head. Jaehwan touched the delicate skin of one closed eyelid, and then the other; fingers skirting down the side of Sanghyuk's soft face to rest at the base of his throat: fingers drumming lightly against sharp collarbone.

 

Tiredness took him all at once: eyes growing heavy as the reporter spoke loudly, spoke clearly, of a Ted Bundy wannabe; and as light flickered, and then went dim, and the burst of noise from the TV startled him lightly, Jaehwan thought of how ugly the world was. Spruce trees weighed down by palpable winds; cloudbursts of rainfall against unlocked windows, and the smell of soiled earth wafting through the cracks in the walls; the world was ugly, but Sanghyuk wasn't. And this was all that really mattered.

 

*

 

'You're a fucking psycho,' Sanghyuk declared. 'Totally psychotic—a _Ouija board_? Haven't you seen, like, every scary movie ever made?'

 

Sat across one another in a booth at _Blossoms_ , Jaehwan pulled his knees to his chest. He felt small in comparison to Sanghyuk's bulking frame; leering over the table like a darkened billboard, waiting to hear whatever bullshit Jaehwan was going to spit out.

 

'When did you become such a _baby_? It's not like ghosts are _real_ , you know? It's just for fun.'

 

'I don't care if they're real, hyung, I'm not doing it. And if, if being smart about something makes me a baby, then _fine—_ ' Sanghyuk rose all at once, knocking the table with his knee as he stood apart from the booth. 'I'm a baby, I guess.'

 

'Oh, come on, Hyukie,' but it was hard to persuade him to stay when a giggle slipped out a moment too soon. Jaehwan stifled it with a sip of soda; able to mask his amusement for a little while.

 

There had been a time when storming off had fixed all their problems, but as the years added up, and more days were spent together than not, they had both learned that this tactic—as melodramatic as it was—was funnier more than it was threatening. So Jaehwan watched, with a flush rising on pallid cheeks, as Sanghyuk stomped lightly to the counter and ordered something to eat; then he looked away and stared, interested, at a fold-out table across the street. It held items from a thrift store, spread out and wholly useless; and he wanted very much to leave _Blossoms_ to poke around at whatever could be lost among the trash.

 

'I'm just saying,' Sanghyuk began, upon return, 'that there isn't anything fun about a séance, and I don't wanna do it.' He had a milkshake and a smidgen of whipped cream on his upper lip that had Jaehwan smiling.

 

'You're just boring,' he murmured. 'That's your problem, Hyukie, you like to be _boring_.'

 

'Can't we do something else? Like, I dunno, rent a couple scary movies instead? That would be fun.'

 

Balking, Jaehwan scoffed: 'Your parents are leaving for the weekend—for, like, the first time in your _life_ , and you wanna watch scary _movies_?'

 

Sanghyuk shrugged. 'Why not?'

 

He looked too cute this way: eyes widened, and totally serious; he drank his milkshake and licked the froth from his upper lip, momentarily chewing at the corner of his mouth, and Jaehwan felt the exact moment his heart became a puddle inside him.

 

'Well'—he forced a laugh, and looked away—'whatever, fine.' Then, taking the cherry from Sanghyuk's glass: 'But only if we get drunk first.'

 

Snorting, 'sure, hyung,' Sanghyuk looked out the window—and saw the table across the street. He pointed and murmured, 'Do you wanna go over there?'

 

But there wasn't anything as interesting as Jaehwan had hoped: an old Rubik's cube and a couple comic books that Sanghyuk flipped through with all the childlike wonderment one would expect; but there was, among old Coke bottles and pocketbooks, the glimmer of silver charms, made pretty by the matte blue of the tablecloth.

 

'Look at this.' He held up a silver heart, a silver key, a miniature beer bottle that was especially charming. 'They're cute.'

 

'It's all garbage,' Sanghyuk intoned, voice lowered for fear of offending the saleswoman. He set the comics aside and wandered about the table, but Jaehwan knew: only a few more moments and Sanghyuk would whine that he wanted to leave.

 

So he left the charms, as pretty as they may be, and took Sanghyuk by the elbow. Down the street, and around the corner, past the schoolyard and a few blocks more; they climbed through the opened window of Sanghyuk's bedroom, to unfold across the double wide bed with limbs thrown over one another.

 

'I don't really wanna watch scary movies,' Sanghyuk admitted, some time later. 'I mean, we can if you want to, but I... I don't really care. I just don't wanna do your stupid séance.'

 

Jaehwan, propped up on his elbows, looked over at Sanghyuk's sulking mass, his eyes on the ceiling and a light blush creeping up his neck. 'Then what are we supposed to do?'

 

He shrugged. 'I dunno. Does it matter? I kind of just wanna hang out with you.' He looked away, embarrassed, and added: 'Like, you can stay the night, right? Like when we were kids, you know? Stay up and watch TV, play video games—I don't know.'

 

'Yeah, no. That's... yeah, that's cool.' Jaehwan lay back with his hands crossed over his stomach, aware that their breathing was slightly out of sync. 'Like—' He shrugged, 'whatever.'

 

'Yeah.' Sanghyuk pushed hands through his overgrown hair, pushing it out of his eyes and making Jaehwan's heart burst unsteadily. 'Whatever.'

 

'Maybe we could stop by Taekwoon's.'

 

'For what?'

 

'Well,' Jaehwan shrugged. 'He always has pot, you know. We can buy some pot and watch some fucking Seinfeld or whatever, and we won't have to pretend we're sober when your mom comes bursting through your room.'

 

He noticed right away the rosy color of Sanghyuk's cheeks; embarrassment, in full bloom. He shied away and tried to laugh with a shrug, 'Yeah, hyung, alright.'

 

But by the time, a few hours later, that they had the weed and had it broken up on an old history book, neither of them made a move to roll a joint or load the pipe; neither of them even looked at it.

 

They spread out across the wool carpet beneath the rainbow glare of TV; the evening news had started and the sun was beginning to slip beyond the buildings and the spruce trees, and the damp wind of summer night was ebbing into the room; it was becoming unbearable to lie there in the wet heat.

 

'Let's go swimming,' murmured Jaehwan.

 

'Where?'

 

'Anywhere? There's the pool house a couple blocks away.'

 

'Too many people,' Sanghyuk deadpanned. 'I don't wanna.'

 

'But it's fucking _hot_.'

 

'Take your clothes off.'

 

Jabbing him with an elbow, Jaehwan scoffed and rolled away. 'Fucking idiot.'

 

'I don't care what you do,' Sanghyuk said, rather seriously, but there was the ghost of a grin at the corner of his mouth that Jaehwan didn't trust for a second.

 

But the room became sweltering, and the sweat on his nape was uncomfortable; and so it wasn't long before Jaehwan sat up and stripped off his shirt. He lay with his chest bared and his heart racing as Sanghyuk followed his lead and threw his own shirt across the room; the two of them, breathing quickly, breathing shallow short puffs of breath, pretended not to notice the other.

 

The room was stifling, even worse than before, but neither of them said a word.

 

*

 

'I think he's in love with you.'

 

It was well after noon, and the sun burned cumbrous through Sanghyuk's open window; sweltering humidity and all the birds chattering softly from overhead.

 

'Who?' Jaehwan barked. ' _Taekwoon_?'

 

'He's always giving you discounts. He doesn't even make you pay most of the time.'

 

The pot was still spread out on the history book, and the TV was still on; thrown over the double bed with their shirts back on and sweat lining his forehead, Jaehwan scoffed and turned away.

 

'You're crazy,' he muttered.

 

'Not really, no. He's, like, always there when you need him and—I dunno.'

 

'Are you jealous?'

 

Sanghyuk balked. Forehead creased with anxiety, he started to laugh, a real troubled laugh that made Jaehwan's skin prickle. ' _No_. Why would I be? I don't care who you fuck.'

 

'Who said I'm gonna _fuck_ him?'

 

'I'm just _saying—_ '

 

'You're an idiot.'

 

In a flurry, Jaehwan rose from the bed; he scattered the pot by accident and cursed lowly to himself. He was looking for his shoes, for his phone, all the shit he'd brought along with him.

 

'Where are you going?' Sanghyuk mumbled.

 

'Home. You're being ludicrous.'

 

' _Ludicrous_?' laughed Sanghyuk. 'Where the fuck did you learn _that_ word?'

 

'Believe it or _not_ , but I can be smart too, Hyukie.'

 

'Whatever,' he was still laughing. 'Go home then.'

 

'I'm _going—_ '

 

But two steps out of the apartment lobby and Jaehwan wanted to turn back. He lingered by the mailboxes, wondering if Sanghyuk would follow him out. But time waned, and the sun blistered across white asphalt; he knew Sanghyuk wouldn't come. So he left with his head down and hands thrust in his pockets, feeling sorry for himself.

 

He stopped by Taekwoon's apartment, but there was no answer, though he was sure he saw Taekwoon's car in the parking garage. _Whatever_ , he thought; fucking **whatever**.

 

*

 

'Are you coming back now?' Sanghyuk asked. His voice was soft over the phone, a whispering mellow that had Jaehwan's anger floundering; he fell onto his bed with his phone to his ear, listening to the TV on Sanghyuk's side of the line.

 

'Why did you wait until I got home before saying something?'

 

'What, you wanted me to chase after you?' His smile was obvious; Jaehwan's face burned. 'Come back.'

 

'No, I just got home.'

 

'Then I'll go there.'

 

'Fine,' Jaehwan snapped.

 

'Fine,' Sanghyuk murmured; then the line cut out.

 

He showed up twenty minutes later smelling like rose petals with his hair damp with water. Jaehwan hadn't showered and felt gross lying there, in his own sweaty mess on a bed that was unmade and disheveled. But Sanghyuk didn't seem to mind. He rolled onto the bed, one arm draped over Jaehwan's middle.

 

'I'm not jealous,' he concluded, very quietly. 'I really don't care.'

 

Jaehwan looked down at Sanghyuk's hand, fingers curled inward toward Jaehwan's shirt. He touched the back of his hand, a spark like fire alight beneath his fingertips. 'Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because I don't like him.'

 

'No?' Was it relief Sanghyuk felt? His skin rippled; hair along his arms standing up in a flourish. He wriggled closer, breath a ghosting warmth against the nape of Jaehwan's neck. 'Well, if you _did—_ '

 

'Well, I _don't_.'

 

Silence fell over them, heavy as a blanket and wrapped itself tightly in the heat of Jaehwan's bedroom. The lights were out, his parents at work, and the omnipresent tension between them grew delicate, easily felt as Jaehwan turned over with Sanghyuk's arm still about his middle. Sanghyuk looked at him, eyes skirting over his face, then moved away.

 

'What are we gonna do today?' he asked, removing his arm.

 

'Does it matter?'

 

'I think the pot got in my carpet.'

 

'Your mom's gonna kill you.'

 

'Yeah,' he smiled with the very corners of his mouth; light flickering in dark eyes. 'Rest in peace.'

 

'In pieces,' Jaehwan murmured and rolled off the bed.

 

*

 

A week later, with a cap pulled low over his eyes, Jaehwan dozed in a booth at _Blossoms_. He had plucked apart his napkin, his straw wrapper, and had built a mountain of white by his left hand, and as he slept uneasily with heat burning through the wide-set window, he felt the bits of paper stir and blow into his lap.

 

'They had the new _Thor_ comics,' Sanghyuk said. He slapped his hand on the table, upsetting the last bits of paper. 'I even got issue 141 of _Fantastic Four_.'

 

'You're a nerd.'

 

'We can read these tonight.' He set a modest stack of comics on the table, reaching over for the glass of ice Jaehwan had been nursing. There was only a few bits left at the bottom of the cup, submerged in icy waters. With a simple tip of his head Sanghyuk swallowed it all.

 

'I don't wanna read your nerd books,' Jaehwan deadpanned. His eyes were still closed, heat wafting like a blanket over him. 'Why don't we go take a nap?'

 

'You can take a nap, I don't care. But I'm reading _Fantastic Four_.'

 

'God, you're so _boring_.'

 

'Then why do you hang out with me?'

 

Jaehwan threw his hands up. 'Who knows?' But he was smiling, and he could see Sanghyuk's eyes begin to sparkle. 'Let's do something _fun_. Let's go to the mall.'

 

'The _mall_? Since when was the _mall_ fun?'

 

'Since now—' Jaehwan jumped up. 'Let's go,' and he didn't allow Sanghyuk time to complain, for he'd taken Sanghyuk's hand into his own and yanked him out of _Blossoms_.

 

The bus didn't go as far as they would have liked, but Jaehwan didn't mind the walk through downtown. He eyed the empty park benches, and women walking dogs; he walked like a skeptic tip-toeing over cracks in the sidewalk. But Sanghyuk, reading as he went, tripped over small pebbles without notice. He let himself be led with Jaehwan's hand about his elbow, exclaiming once: _Look at this shit, hyung, look at Thing—wouldn't that be fucking something? If you were Thing?_

 

Jaehwan didn't validate the question with an answer.

 

'If you could have one superpower —No, listen, hyung,' he was laughing. 'If you had _one_ superpower, what would it be?'

 

'Invisibility.'

 

'Why would you wanna be invisible?'

 

Jaehwan shrugged. 'Life wouldn't really be any different.'

 

' _God_ , you're so depressing.'

 

'Well, what the hell would you pick?'

 

Sanghyuk paused with his arms flexed, _Fantastic Four_ fluttering in his left hand. 'Super human strength!' He shoved Jaehwan before he could laugh. 'Or, like, stretching abilities, I dunno.'

 

'You wanna be fucking strong and stretchy?'

 

Sanghyuk burst out laughing, cupping his hands over his flushed face. 'You make me sound so stupid.'

 

'You do it to yourself.' Jaehwan stumbled forward as Sanghyuk threw himself at him, his arms wrapped tightly about Jaehwan's whole body. His heart beat rapidly, able to be felt this close; and Jaehwan, unable to breath with Sanghyuk's chest against his forehead, clutched for stability.

 

'Put your book away,' he scolded, still smiling. 'We're here anyway.'

 

With the comic rolled up in his back pocket, Sanghyuk kept his arm around Jaehwan's shoulders as they walked the mall one lazy step at a time. They passed the video store, and the arcade—Jaehwan having to yank on the collar of Sanghyuk's shirt to keep him from running off—and finally at the food court, with bagels wrapped in wax paper spread out on a small table, Sanghyuk pointed across the room.

 

' _Look—_ '

 

Out in the hall, across the court, was Taekwoon—or someone who looked an awful lot like him; he was clutching a small bouquet of flowers.

 

'He bought flowers?' Jaehwan exclaimed. 'At the _mall_? Who the hell buys flowers at the mall?'

 

'Maybe he bought them before he came here.'

 

'Well, who brings flowers _to_ the mall?'

 

Sanghyuk shrugged. 'Who knows, hyung. But look at him. He's all... giddy.'

 

He was wearing a button-up, tucked and pressed into the top of his slacks. Patent leather shoes that matched the black of his tie; Sanghyuk was right: he was smiling, had a slight lift in his step that Jaehwan had never seen and would forever find completely misplaced.

 

'He's having the time of his life in the fucking food court.'

 

Jaehwan shoved the rest of his bagel into his pocket, clamoring to his feet. 'Let's get a better look!'

 

And hidden behind fake potted plants, TV screens above them blasting old canto-pop, Jaehwan elbowed Sanghyuk in the ribs. 'He has the hots for the barista. _Look_.'

 

But Sanghyuk balked with a soft yelp, a laugh tacked on the end. 'That's Hongbin, what the _hell —_ He was in my art class.'

 

Jaehwan scrunched his nose. 'You took art?'

 

'You didn't know?'

 

Odd silence; and a stifled laugh. Jaehwan stopped fumbling with the polyester leaves of a money tree, and shrugged. 'I guess I didn't pay attention.' He slugged Sanghyuk's arm—hard. 'I fucking told you though, I told you Taekwoon wasn't in love with me.'

 

Rubbing his bicep with his forehead creased, Sanghyuk muttered: 'I still think he'd fuck you if you asked.'

 

'Good thing I won't ask then.'

 

And it was then Sanghyuk chewed his lower lip; he bit it into his mouth and smiled a little. 'Like I said, I don't care.' But he walked away, and it was the slump in his shoulders and the pathetic way _Fantastic Four_ stuck out of his back pocket with Thing contorted and looking silly, right there on his ass, that had Jaehwan chasing after him, giggling.

 

'You're being a baby again,' he said.

 

'Yeah, yeah. I'm a baby and I'm boring and you hate me. I know.'

 

'I don't _hate_ you.' Jaehwan put his arm around Sanghyuk's waist, his cheek leaned to the sharp bone of his shoulder. 'I love you.'

 

Sanghyuk stopped. 'Yeah?'

 

It was the serious glimmer in his eye that had Jaehwan shifting his weight uncomfortably. 'Well, yeah? Don't you love me?'

 

He kept smiling, and Jaehwan thought he looked so cute, so smug, with all the rosy color in his cheeks and his ears tinted pink. He bowed his head and looked smaller than ever, and Jaehwan—with his face leaned to his shoulder—felt so important there, seeing all the emotion clamor over Sanghyuk in palpable waves.

 

'Yeah, course I do, hyung.' But then his smile dropped, and his shoulders hunched forward. He dug the toe of one shoe into the dirty linoleum of the food court. 'I gotta tell you something.'

 

'Something important?'

 

'Yeah, but not here. Maybe at home?'

 

'No—' Jaehwan clutched Sanghyuk's bicep. 'You can't say it's important and then make me wait. Tell me now.'

 

'Well...'

 

And the change came, just like that. Sanghyuk was no longer giggling, nor smiling, and the color had drained from his face leaving him pallid, looking ill. He shuffled his feet against the floor, and shoved his hands into his pockets. He bowed his head and pulled away, with his voice faintly above a whisper: 'I'm leaving at the end of summer.'

 

He looked up, apology burning in foggy eyes. 'I got accepted into Yonsei. The letter came last week and I didn't know how to tell you.'

 

Jaehwan wavered. The ground began to ripple, like the rise of water, and he grabbed the front of his own shirt, smiling through the hurt he felt. 'You're leaving?'

 

'Not for another month. Don't... don't get upset.'

 

'Why would I get upset?' Jaehwan scoffed. He turned away, with the walls of his throat swelling shut; he touched the nearest table, and collapsed in the chair. He feigned disinterest.

 

'Good for you, Hyukie. You're going to college.'

 

'Yeah.'

 

'Really great news. You'll probably love it.'

 

'Probably.'

 

'It's boring here isn't it?' Jaehwan shot to his feet. 'Why did we come to the fucking mall? I'm —I gotta go.'

 

'—Hyung.'

 

But Jaehwan was already walking away, moving quickly; he turned the corner out of the food court and sprinted to the elevators with his heart in his throat and his forehead cradled against one sweating palm.

 

*

 

'You ditched me.'

 

'I don't wanna talk about it.'

 

'You left me _downtown_.'

 

'You made it home alright.'

 

'That doesn't mean it wasn't fucked up.'

 

Jaehwan rolled onto his back, eyes on the ceiling and his phone hot against his ear. He hadn't gotten home until after dark, but still: he lay awake under blankets pulled over his face. It was after ten, and his feet ached, his heart ached, his whole body: ached, and he didn't want to let Sanghyuk know.

 

'Well, are you coming over?' whispered Sanghyuk.

 

'No. I'm going to bed.'

 

'Well, alright.'

 

'I'll see you tomorrow?' but he hung up before an answer came.

 

Then crawled out of bed and slipped into clean jeans. He looked himself over in the bathroom mirror: lightened hair swept over his forehead, eyes puffy and tinted red. His shirt was wrinkled, but he didn't care; he cared even less that his socks didn't match—who was going to complain anyway?

 

The buses weren't running, so he had to walk, and it was closer to midnight when he finally showed up on Taekwoon's doorstep. He knocked softly, hoping an answer wouldn't come, but there Taekwoon was, a moment later, in the doorway with his broad shoulders blocking out the dim-light of the hallway.

 

'Sorry it's late,' Jaehwan muttered. He pushed past Taekwoon into the sitting area where the couch was in disarray: blankets on the floor, a pillow about to slip off the armrest. He must have been sleeping.

 

'I saw you today,' he said. 'At the mall.'

 

Taekwoon smiled. 'You did?'

 

'With your flowers and your suit. You looked cute.'

 

'So you came over in the middle of the night to tell me?'

 

With a laugh that hurt, Jaehwan waved Taekwoon away. 'I was in the area.' Sat at the corner of the couch with his legs crossed, Jaehwan plucked lint off the front of his jeans. He asked, rather abrasively, 'I wanted to ask you something.'

 

Taekwoon sat beside him. 'What's that?'

 

'Are you in love with me?' But Taekwoon's dumbfounded expression was answer enough. 'Wait—' he laughed— 'that's not what I wanted to ask.' His palms became sticky, and wiping them gently against the suede of the couch, Jaehwan touched Taekwoon's shoulder.

 

'This might sound, like, fucking crazy, alright?'

 

Taekwoon tried to smile.

 

'But, um, OK— If I asked you to fuck me, would you?'

 

He didn't look so dumbfounded anymore. Jaehwan's heart lurched.

 

'Are you alright, Jaehwany?'

 

'Totally. I'm just, you know, lonely?'

 

Taekwoon's face softened then, his mouth pinched into a thin line. He touched the underside of Jaehwan's jaw with fingers ice cold. 'Sleeping with me won't make you less lonely.'

 

'For now it will.'

 

He smiled. 'Yeah, alright. I'll sleep with you, Jaehwan-ah, but that doesn't mean I love you.'

 

And how was it, Jaehwan wondered, that Taekwoon could say something so cold, but make it sound so sweet?

 

*

 

But Taekwoon was right. It didn't make Jaehwan feel any better, and the loneliness abated for only the time that they were together; so once outside, at a quarter past two in the morning, Jaehwan lingered by the parking garage with a cigarette he'd taken from Taekwoon's pocket.

 

 _I can take you home_ , Taekwoon had offered. But Jaehwan didn't want that. He didn't want to explain the older man in the old Buick parked outside, or have Taekwoon rest his hand on his knee while he drove; or anything worse: like a kiss goodnight, or a hug—or maybe a promise to meet again.

 

So there he was: by the parking garage, sucking on a cigarette that tasted awful, thinking of Sanghyuk and wishing he hadn't let Taekwoon fuck him.

 

*

 

The phone rang for a long time before the answer came, breathy and deep: ' _Hullo—_?'

 

'I did something,' Jaehwan muttered. He was back in his room, watching the shadows rise across his ceiling with the nightly news playing weather forecasts, replaying trial videos of past serial killers.

 

'Something stupid?' Sanghyuk asked.

 

'Kind of.'

 

He groaned tiredly. Jaehwan imagined he was crawling out of bed, turning on the table lamp; maybe he was brushing the hair out of his eyes, or touching the sleep marks that surely covered his cheeks. He had a habit of sleeping on his face.

 

'Well,' Sanghyuk yawned. 'Are you OK?'

 

'Yeah, fine.'

 

'It's late, but you can come over if you want.'

 

'No, I think I wanna be alone.'

 

'That's fine.'

 

Jaehwan cradled the phone to his face with both hands, appalled by the way the room swam: watery, with regret. 'I'll stop by tomorrow, if you want?'

 

'Yeah, hyung. That sounds alright.'

 

Then the line went dead and the TV cut out; and the room grew dark, and Jaehwan wanted to be anywhere else.

 

*

 

It was stupid, Jaehwan decided, the way they were sitting across each other like strangers. Music from the speakers burst like thunder, and the diner was full: Saturday night at _Blossoms_.

 

'This is why I didn't wanna tell you right away,' Sanghyuk eventually said. 'I didn't want you to be depressed.'

 

'Who said I'm _depressed_.'

 

'You're sitting there, all angry.'

 

'Well, you're _leaving_.'

 

'Yeah, but not for a while.' He reached over the table and tried to touch Jaehwan's hand, but missed. With a sigh, he put his hands back in his own lap. 'Why do you have to be like this?'

 

'I don't know.' Jaehwan turned to the window, watching the street lamps grow dim, then burst with light. Old lamps, ugly and sallow like everything else. It'd been a week since he spent the night with Taekwoon.

 

'What am I supposed to do when you're gone?' he despaired quietly. 'You're gonna be out there with all your college friends, at college parties, having a great time and—'

 

'It's school, not a frat party.'

 

'Same _thing_.'

 

'Well,' Sanghyuk snapped, 'you'll have Taekwoon so who _cares_.'

 

Anger surged, bright white and bubbling; Jaehwan kept his mouth shut as he jumped out of the booth with a bill slapped on the table. ' _You're_ an asshole.'

 

'Yeah, and _you_ slept with Taekwoon.'

 

'You said you didn't _care_.'

 

'Well I _lied—_ '

 

'No shit.'

 

Jaehwan heard Sanghyuk's curse, and the fumbling of coins, but was out of the diner before Sanghyuk could empty his pockets. He thought about running again, jumping on the bus that was parked by the empty bench; of slipping into the alley and letting Sanghyuk chase after nobody. But he was fast, and Jaehwan was indecisive.

 

He took Jaehwan by the elbow and pulled him back, his chest hard against Jaehwan's spine. 'Why do you have to be this way?'

 

'Are you really surprised?' Jaehwan mocked. ' _Really_?'

 

'No, not really.'

 

The anger subsided, was replaced with something worse: neglect, lonesomeness, a churning in Jaehwan's gut that hurt his insides. He didn't like the weight of Sanghyuk's hands on his arm, or the beat of his heart able to be felt through the back of his shirt; he wanted to be alone, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to run away and never look back. So he started to walk, and he kept walking, feeling terrible for he didn't hear Sanghyuk's following footsteps.

 

Then, quietly, as if he was left too far behind to be heard: 'Come with me.'

 

Jaehwan spun around. 'Don't say stupid things.'

 

'I mean it, alright? I want you to come with me. We can get an apartment and get jobs—I dunno. We can make it work.' But when Jaehwan didn't respond, Sanghyuk despaired: 'What do you wanna _hear_ , hyung? You want me to stay? _Fine_ , I'll stay.'

 

But Jaehwan began walking again, his face burning with color as Sanghyuk started to shout: _'I'll stay with you if it'll make you happy_ , OK?'

 

He turned the corner, and that was when the thundering footsteps began, and suddenly Sanghyuk was there, with his arms about Jaehwan's whole body and his face tucked into his shoulder, breathing heavily.

 

He said, 'Why do you have to be so fucking _dramatic_.'

 

But Jaehwan didn't have an answer. His eyes began to water, emotion pressing hard against his rib cage. He reached up, and put his arms around Sanghyuk's shoulders.

 

'Why do you have to make things so hard,' Sanghyuk whined.

 

'I don't _know_.'

 

'Will you come with me?'

 

'You're fucking crazy.'

 

'So what? Will you?' He pressed his face into the column of Jaehwan's neck, lips moving against his skin as he spoke: 'Say yes, will you? It could work. I mean, maybe, right? We can make it work.'

 

Jaehwan's knees weakened, his heart soared high into his throat. He cupped the back of Sanghyuk's head and felt his feet lift off the ground. 'I _guess—_ maybe.' Then, as Sanghyuk squeezed him tightly, ' _Fine_.'

 

'Yes?' Sanghyuk pulled away, eyes alight and burning hard into Jaehwan's face. 'You'll come?'

 

'Yeah, alright— _whatever._ ' He would have laughed at the way Sanghyuk's eyes clouded over, how his hands started trembling so badly Jaehwan could feel them against his back. But then Sanghyuk mumbled so quietly, with his voice cracking toward the end:

 

'I wanted to ask you weeks ago. When I got the letter. I wanted to see if you'd come with me— I really don't wanna go alone, hyung, but I thought you would have called me an idiot, or a fucking psycho, I dunno.'

 

Jaehwan snorted. He would have called Sanghyuk a lot worse weeks ago, but that was alright; he thought, maybe, he would have said yes too.

 

'You _are_ an idiot,' Jaehwan said. He wriggled out of Sanghyuk's arms.

 

'Fuck you.'

 

'And you _are_ a psycho, but—' He dodged Sanghyuk's hand as he took a swipe at him. 'But that's _fine_ , I guess.'

 

They walked side-by-side in shared silence, hands bumping slightly as they turned the corner toward Sanghyuk's apartments.

 

'So now that you're gonna move with me, you aren't gonna be a big baby anymore, right?'

 

Jaehwan smirked. 'Right.'

 

'Wanna come over then? I got the original _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_.'

 

'That movie's stupid.' He bumped his shoulder to Sanghyuk's own. 'But, sure.'

 

*

 

It was after midnight and the TV was off, but the radio was on. Sanghyuk had thrown a shirt over the table lamp so its sallow light dimmed to a yellow gold that was intimate in his dark room.

 

Jaehwan lay on his side with his head pillowed on Sanghyuk's stomach, listening to the gurgles of his body, able to feel his pulse within his wrist as he took Sanghyuk's hand into his own.

 

Jaehwan told him, 'You wanna know something _really_ crazy? Remember I said I loved you?'

 

Sanghyuk, with his eyes closed, smiled at the ceiling. 'Yeah.'

 

'Well, what if I really meant it?'

 

'What, you were lying?'

 

'No, I mean—' He let Sanghyuk's hand go, and curled into himself; feeling very small, very cold, in that labyrinth of a bedroom. 'What if I was in love with you?'

 

Sanghyuk didn't say anything at first. He didn't move, nor open his eyes. He waited a beat, and then put his arms around Jaehwan's head, hugging him to his chest.

 

He said, 'I had a feeling.' Then, 'But why the fuck did you sleep with Taekwoon then?'

 

Jaehwan whined, hot all over: 'I don't know. Because I'm a giant baby and I wanted to make you angry.'

 

'Yeah.' Sanghyuk propped himself on his elbows, staring down at Jaehwan who could only blink up at him, feeling morose. 'You _are_ a baby.' He grinned, with all his teeth showing and his eyes lifted into crescents. With a hand cupping the side of Jaehwan's face, he said: 'It's whatever.'

 

Then he sat up and pushed Jaehwan off his stomach only to grab at him a second later, pulling him close to his chest; and they sat there, in the moody dark with all the sound falling away and the door locked, the window open, summer night filtering through the air like perfume.

 

Jaehwan put his hands on Sanghyuk's shoulders, his heart bursting inside him. He murmured a haphazard, 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do.'

 

So Sanghyuk kissed him. He tasted of soda and the peppermint candies he always kept in his pocket; he tasted just the way Jaehwan had always imagined. And the radio kept playing, some tune from the 60s—really out of style, but Jaehwan kind of liked it—and he remembered how beautiful Sanghyuk looked under TV light, with all his bones sharp and pitted black.

 

Always beautiful, even when everything felt so ugly.

 

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me about fic / ships whenever \o/  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lustfortaekwoon) / [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/Iovleo)


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